Qualities of a Healthy Neurodivergent Home
Ongoing stress, sadness, anxiety, and a whole host of other negative emotions are prevalent among households where learning differences are present. When children have ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, or other neurodiversities, it is indeed normal for parents to feel especially burdened by the challenges at hand.
However, believe it or not, positivity is possible even in the most difficult and uncertain circumstances. There seem to be four primary qualities that mark healthy, happy neurodivergent homes: habits, honesty, hope, and humor.
Habits
At the top of the list? Having clear and consistent routines around just about everything—routines that become so natural to and embedded in daily life that it’s hard to imagine not following them. In other words, routines become habits.
Neurodivergent families especially benefit from habits such as eating together, being mindful about diet and exercise, having consistent bedtimes, limiting screen times, and putting structure around friendships and free time. It’s clear that families who are good at this have kids with much better academic outcomes. Sadly, the rest live in chaos.
Research proves it on a number of fronts. Special to note is that kids are more socially and emotionally attuned to themselves and others when routines are followed. The benefits also show up in adulthood; those who establish good habits in their younger years are more likely to manage their time well and maintain focus as grown-ups.1
Honesty
It might be tempting to sweep tough issues under the rug—to pretend everything is just fine. But, trite and obvious as this may sound, pretending things are okay does not make things okay. Honesty is critical for a couple important reasons.
For one, kids need to know the truth. Following any other path leads to a betrayal of their trust, which only adds to family strife. A better approach? Accepting—even celebrating—the different ways our brains work, neurodivergent or otherwise.
How does this look in a practical sense? As a first step, diagnoses can be viewed with curiosity, even appreciation, versus fear and dread. This leads to mindsets that recognize strengths versus focusing on weaknesses. Sure, it’s also critical to acknowledge and address learning challenges and gaps, but an atmosphere of encouragement versus hyper-criticism is more likely to take shape when neurodivergence is seen as a unique difference, not an insurmountable disability.
Honesty is also important when it comes to self-awareness, self-expression, and self-care. Let’s face it, life can get tense at times no matter the family, but some basic emotional and relational skills can make all the difference.
Feeling angry, sad, nervous, excited, content, etc.? Introspection and reflection are invaluable tools for recognizing current moods and possible triggers—and ensuring good honest communication with other family members. Sharing such insights through conversations with each other can prevent strong feelings from coming out “sideways.” This means fewer arguments and other hard moments that can rock the whole family system. Talking about self-care strategies (e.g., some time alone, a walk outside) is also important, especially when dealing with more challenging emotions. Put another away, home should be a safe place for adults and kids alike to be honest about their needs.
Hope
It’s not easy to receive the news of a chronic, lifelong condition no matter the diagnosis. A whole host of heavy emotions are natural responses from both kids and parents, but a healthy family chooses not to linger there. Simply put, a healthy family is a hopeful family.
What does hopefulness look like from day to day? Neurodivergent or not, a family must know and practice where true self-worth comes from. Of course, kids also must be encouraged to do their very best academically, but faltering or failing grades should not shape their sense of identity and personal value. They should always know deep in their bones that they are loved as they are and no matter what. This is what should drive their goals and ambitions, not shame or guilt or people-pleasing. Childrens’ positivity and hope flourish when surrounded by loved ones who offer consistent encouragement.
The same holds true for parents: worth is not related to performance. There’s great temptation in society to compare and compete—parenting is not exempt from this unfortunate phenomenon. How kids do on assignments, tests, and report cards does not reflect on one’s parenting skills—this bears repeating: good parenting is not synonymous with academic success. Through all the up years, down years, and somewhere-in-between years, love is the only measure that truly matters in raising children.
Humor
Academic and behavioral concerns are no laughing matter, but there’s always room for some humor. Taking life too seriously only makes for more tension and anxiety in already stressful situations.
What does humor look like in a neurodivergent home? Douglas Cootey, a blogger for ADDitude, alludes to how his brain differences add levity to day-to-day life. He writes that “[ o]ur busy ADHD brains can impulsively put random, seemingly unassociated items together in funny ways that entertain those around us.”2 In other words, humor may be one of the “superpowers”3 that make people with ADHD stand out from the rest. The ability to be funny or to enjoy comical things can become both a benefit and a balm in relating to the world around them.
Parents may also find special ways to use their humor to temper frustrating behavior. For example, while at school, a young boy with numerous learning differences became obsessed with a malfunctioning clock; the minute hand wouldn’t move despite the second hand going around and around as usual. When he mentioned the distraction at home, his father was quick to tell a fitting joke: “Well, at least the clock is right twice a day.” The student was eager to share his dad’s remark with his teachers the next day (and, needless to say, the errant clock was removed from the classroom).
Humor must be kept in check, however, especially when it comes to “masking,” which is the inclination to repress or disguise one’s true feelings.4 When a person feels different and just wants to fit in and be liked, humor is a common coping mechanism. So when is it healthy versus harmful? It’s generally quite easy to spot awkward attention-seeking antics versus quick wit and creativity. The key is to take time to celebrate and enjoy the latter.
Habits. Honesty. Hope. Humor. These are words worth posting on the refrigerator or making sure they’re prominent somehow, some way. More than that, they’re worth living with authenticity, with consistency, and for the sake of the whole family. Here’s to your health!
Barbara Farland is an English & Social Studies instructor at Brightmont Academy in Plymouth, Minn. She holds a master’s degree in Business Communication from the University of St. Thomas and, prior to pursuing a second career in education, worked as an award-winning public relations and communications professional in both the corporate and nonprofit sectors. As a “storyteller by nature and teacher at heart,” Barbara continues to contribute to various anthologies, among other writing projects.
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